Nestled between the quaint market towns of Farnham and Godalming in the delightful Surrey Hills lies the charming village of Tilford, a village famed for its glorious setting, excellent pub and cricketing lore.

The Woodpeckers arrived uncharacteristically early and set up camp in The Coach House, diligently reserved by Motty, that would play Pecker Pavilion on this fine early summer’s day. .As pints of Ranmore and Surrey Hills were served, the Peckers surveyed the traditionally good pitch, the only flat part of an undulatory ground that provides a magnificent backdrop for spectators but provides equal peril for fielders.

Karl with a K kollekts kap from Kaiser Beearon von RunKle

Regular readers of this column will remember that Skipper Pobsy Darling had recently selected an unconventional all bowling side at Headley, and not dismayed by the shellacking handed out, once again fielded a side with only two recognized batsmen and inserted Tilford.

Opening from the Oak Tree End was debutant Will “Big Willy” Evered, a giant of a man with a trundling gait, a fierce delivery stride and a snap of the wrist that produced terrific pace and bounce from the first ball. At the other end, Cat would bustle in typically feline style, unfortunate to end wicketless from a number of close calls, including an LBW shout, that could have had a significant impact on the result.

The Tilford star opener was the beneficiary of this decision. A young bull of a batsman, Ramesar’s batting language is Acts of Aggression, and the red ball seemed to inflame his temper as he thrashed anything short of a length to the boundary, punishing bowlers of all sizes and styles with a variety of strokes around the wicket, local know-how ensuring the advantage of short boundaries.

Willy finally struck, removing the dangerous Cantwell, with a rising ball that would dolly to second slip. Alas, this would be the only fielding success in what, even by Pecker standards, was a notably poor fielding performance. Heads were in hands on dozens of occasions as slip catches were dropped, balls fumbled, overthrows conceded; indeed, basic motor skills seem to completely evade Peckers throughout the Tilford innings. I think we need to have some fielding drills in future..kindly

Ramesar continued his plunder, taking all comers to reach his 50. At this point, somewhat overdressed for this humid occasion, he seemed to lose interest in running, patiently awaiting bad balls and dispatching them to the boundary. Horse and Spinach both bowled neatly for a spell, each claiming a scalp, and Runky bowled a beautifully straight set of overs that tied up Tilford, but he would win no reward for his efforts.

Finally, the Peckers, hot and bothered, would traipse off to a sporting Tilford declaration as Ramesar reached his century. The chase to 220 was on.

The fine set of supporters in the Coach House would greet the fielders with pizzas and fish boards – Pirate and his Cut-Lass, Roger’s fiancé Zena (nickname TBD), Motty and the ever present Gemotty, dogs abounding. Unfortunately for the Cut-Lass (Becky) Pablo the Frenchie would fall in the River Wey, and (more unfortunately) so did Becky, though she was quickly retrieved by a kindly local, and returned sheepishly to the ground to dry off in the sun.

Cousin and Spinach set off purposefully to the middle to face the youthful looking Tilford attack. Cousin David would last just the one ball to the pace of Bozier, about which he knew very little. 0-1 and Karl with K exposed to the new ball earlier than he would like, but a fine boundary settled his nerves. He knew not much about the next in-swinging yorker however, neither did Dabbler moments later.

It was suddenly clear that we had a problem on our hands, as Bozier turned out to have more sporting talent than the entire Pecker side put together,. The Pecker Pavilion was in chaos, as batsman came and went, pads were removed before the batsman arrived back, to be handed to the next hapless victim. Indeed, Roger had ordered a Peroni, suddenly required to bat, was still back before it arrived, Bozier swooping in to take a stunning caught and bowled.

At 19-5.. no, 6 actually, as Horse is removed by the old Beamer-Beamer-Jaffa combination, most famously utilised by the West Indies sides of the 1970s, Tilford took pity. A succession of pastry chefs were exposed, which shouldn’t undermine the excellent 28 by Cat, newly recast as an belligerent all-rounder in the Stokes mold and a scampering 21 by POBsy. The debutant, Big Willy, whilst leaky in in the field, showed stiff resolve in bat for a lusty 38, with blows around the field.

No Technique! Pobsy lashes lustily (think i edged this one through slip). Roger is a very fine ump/photographer

The inevitable would come soon enough with poor Butternut the final wicket to fall, with the Peckers blushes saved by at least reaching 120 all out.

As ever at Tilford, the celebrations continued on the outfield continued long into the evening, a lovely group of supporters, including the Horse’s sire and mare, Peckers gathered with our hosts, jugs all round. A glorious evening in warm sunshine, a reminder of the esteem that we hold this wonderful game when played with heart and good spirit, we recalled the shame and embarrassment of our cricketing failures in the shadow of an 800 year old oak tree.

Centurion Ramekin kindly gets the jugs in ( the first of many)

Zena(Surgeon and Fiancee of Roger, Sue-Baru (Mater of the Old Beast) are entertained by Rose and Runky