The gloomy afternoon weather outlook prompted an early 11.30 start with 30 overs per side, and players from both teams duly convened on the wild pastures of Barnes Common, prepared for battle between two clubs that knew how to play Sunday cricket in the right spirit. But competitively so, and thus the scene was set for the return of the Pecker youth contingent who had been absent the previous week at Headley to celebrate Greasy’s nuptials. It felt like a day to rekindle friendships and make new acquaintances, as Lordy, who had the questionable fortune of having been “schooled” with Trash, Felix and Moleman, was the latest fresh faced pecker debutant to be welcomed by POBsy to the Pecker bosom. Sporting a 1970s porn star moustache to prove that he had achieved puberty, he would answer to many nicknames during the day, including Lord Kitchener and Ron Jeremy. But he would have the last laugh.
We were in the field, and it had been rumoured that Barnes had a more than useful team, bolstered by the inclusion of occasional pecker legend, Henners, whose father had co-founded the club with Sir Howard Davies, former BOE deputy governor and head of the FSA back in the 80s. Spinach and Tiddles took the new ball, (orange, with a miserly lacquer and seam, required for visibility purposes on a ground with no sight screens as any attempt to introduce them was met by a challenge to vandalise them by the local Clockwork Orange teenagers). The opposition batsmen brought their own brand of Barnesball to the pitch, and the left hand/right hand opening combo unsettled our bowlers who were errant in line and length for much of the afternoon. Spells tended to always bear several gifts an over, a leg stump full toss here, a half tracker there, and their batsmen punished us to all sides of the boundary when the opportunities came. Spinach did tempt a caught behind off an average delivery to be grabbed by Moleman behind the stumps. His first, and least, of three catches on the day. Barnes must have known that the Orange ball was not on any bowlers christmas card list, and used conditions they knew so well to keep themselves on top in early exchanges. The randomness of good deliveries meant the the laws of mathematics did not reward them when they were bowled, except for the beauty that Tiddles managed to dislodge Sanjay. Spinach did manage to pick up a second, another caught behind, before the introduction of newly wed Greasy and Cheffrey . Greasy would produce a useful spell of 1 for 25 off his full six, proving he still had the stamina after his exertions in the bridal suite the week before. Cheffrey returned 2 for 23 off 3, a Curates Egg of a display that nevertheless kept him at the top of the wickets tally for the season, although he also attracted some sarcastic congratulations after being taken off after serving some victoria sponge cakes. The malaise had spread to Martini who shelled two chances and the Pecker youth, and self appointed spokesperson Trash, did not miss an opportunity to pass their judgement on the bowling/fielding display so far. POBsy knew it was time to roll the dice. Some pride needed to be restored and the ball was thrown confidently to debutant Lordy. It was at this moment that the Peckers remembered how to play fine cricket, and he showed us what consistent line and length actually means (3 for 33 off 4), backed up by wonderful fielding… POBsy took an excellent catch that he scooped from the turf to dismiss the dangerous opener, and Moleman did a fine superman impression by diving to fingertip catch a leading edge off Henners bat. Lordy’s spell should have brought us back into the game on equal terms except for the fact that Trash and Felix were to come on at the other end and runs were given away like confetti at an Italian wedding. The lucky recipient of these gifts was Barnes no 11. with the bat, Walli (33), who was anything but with the bat. (Felix; “it was like bowling at Kevin Petersen in his prime”). And so we were set 194 of 30, at 6.5 per over.
Tea would be an improvised affair, to the fleeting disappointment of some who had gone to bed the night before in excited expectation of Glaister Inns finest sandwich selection, but quick thinking by Chef and POBsy meant that Sainsbury’s meal deals were purchased, and they turned out to be most excellent, and more edible than some of the teas on the circuit in all honesty.
Whilst the food delivery was en route from Barnes high street, Felix and Martini strode to the middle to face a very controlled Barnes attack of Freedman and Walli. Cat was in his zone, with the biggest threat to his concentration the arrival of the meal deals (would he be left with the limp BLT and oven baked Discos? ). Martini was not leaving that to chance, as he saw the pile of sandwiches quickly diminish, and after making a solid start, contrived a run out so he could be reunited with the Prawn cocktail sandwich/crisp pairing. The bowling was tight and skilful, but Felix’s stomach could take no more, as he notched up 38 before being bowled, and quickly made his way to the improvised tuck shop set up on a pair of batting pads. Greasy came in but the drizzle started, and became more steady by the 18th over when the reply stood at 96-2, cruelly causing the game to be abandoned while seemingly finely balanced. Sir Howard Davies, who kindly scored for the entirety of the game, was seen above “cooking the books”, so when the Pecker youth excitedly reviewed the scorecards to see who had the worst figures, in a show of shadenfreude that would have amused Sigmund Freud, a complaint that Trash’s wicket had been omitted from the record was seen as being done on moral grounds as revenge for his barracking of fellow team mates throughout the day.
A full Pecker entourage (minus Spinach who had to get some Avacdo time in after going awol at the Oval during the week), retired to the Coach and Horses, joining a rump of Barnes players, and nestled into a function room to enjoy an earlier than expected ale. The married and partnered were keen to make full advantage of the extra couple of hours they had before resuming their relationship duties, and Martini and POBsy bought two generous rounds in quick succession to ensure there were no early departures. Greasy is known to have spent more money per capita than anyone else at this tavern, after dropping an entire tray of 10 pints at the peckers party in 2022, only to buy the round again a minute later. His popularity with the bar management (and the team due to his generosity) reached new levels when he ordered the entire menu in duplicate for the team to graze on, after the disappointment that Sunday roasts were not available. Commemorative photos were taken by a most pleasant amateur photographer who Snax had enlisted from the general public, and I think she was rewarded with several pecker phone numbers. Conversation moved from the game just played, to thoughts of future sunnier times in the scheduled Porto tour of spring 2024, before the arrival of local Pecker celebrities, Horse and GG. Inevitably talk turned to the 5th test at the Oval, and Cheffrey and Tiddles were seen to perk up at reports that the Australian press had been preparing headlines for Tuesday that would announce the Death of Bazball. As always Cricket will be the true winner. A wonderful day that was full of laughter from start to finish, and thanks again were given to POBsy for his tireless efforts. We left with full bellies and hearts and the group trickled out onto an unsuspecting Barnes high street. Next week, Majestic Marlow
