Scribe: Snax (aka Kingpin) with Spinach in Italics
A new record was set for the number of Woodpecker debutants on the same day (6) for the bank holiday fixture at glorious Ham and Petersham. Most of the regular Peckers were spending the long weekend in France so stand in captain Spinach orchestrated a rear guard action worthy of Dunkirk over the course of the week, that started off with 5 players, and ended with the Full Monty, thanks to the efforts of Moleman, Cutlery and Borgav. A remarkable feat given how many core peckers were away!
The most important ritual of becoming a Pecker is, of course, being awarded a really silly nickname… could this eleven collectively find their Pecker identity by stumps on a typical English summers day that breezed through the seasons like Runky through the tail?
Enter the six newcomers-Tilak, recruited by Borgav during one of his “something for the weekend” shopping trips to the 24 hour Crystals supermarket on Fulham road, nick name Tictac (he has promised all peckers a healthy discount on the top shelf periodicals and other essentials which will mean they will only be double the price of your normal convenience store). Also initiated were James Forrest (Princess), elder brother Tom (Fozzy the bear), Cameron Lockie (Plant, because he’s now asexual- sorry Runky)… and Harry Hoare (nobody dared do this justice on the day, so this correspondent will call him “Dirty Harry” for the purposes of this periodical). Nicknames assigned, there was still a game of cricket to be played… what would the old hands make of their new team mates, and how could Spinach cope with the unknown… well, he didn’t wilt, and everybody contributed with some proper cricket being played, with a team whose average age was well under 30. It was a suprisingly exuberant and youthful side which Borgav and Snax helped round up (& away from the pub for most of the match…)
By mutual agreement, the Peckers agreed to be inserted, in a 40 over per side format. The batting order relied a great deal on faith, and the 6 debutants all batted in the top 8, interwoven with Pecker batting royalty, Borgav and Moleman. At the ‘toss’ it was clear that almost all of the Peckers were still in the Pub so a most kindly mutual decision allowed us to Bat first, something which is usually very rare!
Dirty Harry and Princess, prepared for battle - both had had suitably heavy weekends already up to this point!
The youth of our batting line up meant that there would be no fear in shot selection- these lads achieved puberty (mostly) whilst watching Bazball and the IPL. Ham and Petersham opened up with two medium pacers (Khasif, who bagged three wickets and could move the ball both ways) and a wiley 74 year old ex banker who had lived in Brazil for 40 years … (funny what you find out about people over a pint…). Princess hit the first ball for six, and we were off… Dirty Harry took one too many risks and fell first and Moleman shuffled to the middle with the clouds gathering- a portent to the customary pecker middle order collapse?) It was clear H&P were not fielding the strongest (or youthful) side which meant experimenting with the batting order to make things a bit more even.
A promising 50 run stand was manufactured, before the partnership was broken when Princess fell to a good delivery. Speaker Lindsay arrived beaming, refused a guard, and prepared to face in a position unknown to any coaching manual, to shouts of “order, order” from the gallery. This correspondent, umpiring at the time, couldn’t work out if he needed an ambulance, rather than middle and leg. He was always going to be there for a good time, and not a long time. The first straight delivery was inevitably successful and Borgav entered the fray.
Princess (left) returns to the hutch after an entertaining 36 which included his first ball going for 6! His brother foz (right) looks on. The beginning of the inevitable Pecker collapse…
Useful contributions were made and some nice shots played before the Miandad incident happened… Borgav, an integral part of the Woodpecker dynasty, was triggered by Cutlery, in other words, given LBW by his own…a fellow Pecker… the old guard understood the significance of this moment, and a sharp intake of breath briefly interrupted air traffic over the ground…but it was too late to retract, and Cutlery probably still doesn’t understand what he has done. Borgav held his position for what seemed like an eternity, finally turning towards the boundary and was careful to ensure everyone heard him muttering, the eternally pointless phrase, “i middled it”… We needed badly to regroup as we had lost 5 before reaching 100.
Refreshments from the dangerously close Hand & Flower during the match by Princess, H Hoare and Plant
Tictac came and went but it was Plant, coming in at no 7, who provided the roots to the innings, getting a glorious 50 on debut (though his jug avoidance due to lack of jug at the pub during the post match proceedings has been duly noted for the record). He would be ably assisted by Cutlery (18) and Spinach (43 n.o.), who might have had a chance to get a 50 had the innings not come to a premature end when Snax was out to full toss ball at chest height. We ended on a very respectable 227 all out, after 38.4 overs.
Tea was taken the the Hand and Flower, which also served as the club house, and was most acceptable, including various cold cuts, sandwiches, salad, crisps, fresh fruit and cake, and further refreshments were enjoyed afterwards between innings… Fantastic tea which went down well with some cold beverages from the pub
Moleman the Woodpecker of the Year, showing the youngsters how to prepare for the field…
We took to the field and Spinach handed the “new ball” to Snax, returning to bowling after a long injury, who couldn’t hide his disappointment at finding out it was, in fact, the same battered ball from the first inning. Nevertheless, Snax managed to extract some swing and found a good enough length to remove the two openers quickly to get things off to a good start. The Kingpin bowled a tight line throughout and deserved more wickets. The pre-season tour in Porto along with extensive yoga has helped aid his comeback with the ball which was joy to watch.
At the other end, Fozzy thought he was bowling on a track in India, favouring the leg side, prompting Borgav to take to leg slip. The bowling style was unique with the wrong foot landing first in the delivery stride and the Leg Theory attack caused issues for the batsmen.
To mix things up, Speaker Lindsay (Ed Hoyle), entertained with a 10 ball over of Liquorice All Sorts my old housemate very kindly turned up to make a full XI, but is not known for his cricketing ability - he won’t be the last Pecker to bowl a double digit over (& isn’t the 1st).
Sanity was restored with the introduction of the medium pacer TicTac, who bowled a nagging line and was rewarded with three scalps, including a blinding one handed slip catch low to his right from Borgav. Everybody fielded well today (POBSy, standards are currently high), with no catches dropped, and two blinders taken by Dirty Harry, patrolling the boundary for victims, who also induced a miraculous run out throwing down one stump from the boundary.
Ham were never really in it, and in the end were 100 runs short. After some filthy spin bowling from Spinach to remove the 9th wicket, the coup de grace was supplied by Moleman, who took off his gloves to record his debut wicket. We’d won by 113 runs!
Spinach led the team enthusiastically and proudly, as he had done throughout the day, to the 🤚 and 🌷 for the time honoured tradition of drinking pints at an alarming rate in as short a time as feasible, whilst sharing stories and jokes with a charming opposition.
POBSy would have been proud of the way Spinach conducted himself as our captain and made sure everyone got a chance to contribute. Most kindly!
Debutants were teased with stories of the final Woodpecker initiation ceremony, The Telling of the Full Elton, delivered as always by our glorious leader POBSy, who oversaw preparations during the week from his rehabilitation clinic in Spain. Eleven relative strangers arrived one afternoon at Ham and Petersham on a May bank holiday sunday… and 11 Woodpeckers made their way home 6 hours later. A great bunch of lads and pleasure to lead them into battle. Certainly a few more names to call upon when we need them!
Finally, a note from our new sponsors, Crystals, 627 Fulham Road, purveyor of mints, fine wines and stale croissants, who will be happy to serve you a healthy discount!
